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What Is A Safe Word?

Let’s talk about something very important to have in the D/s world- a safe word.

Stop. No. I don’t want to! Help! Those are all words that, in daily life, cause alarm.  Letting someone know you don’t like something, that you want it to end, or stop, as it were. We use them without thinking.

It’s how we automatically say to someone that we are not happy.  That we don’t want to engage in a certain kind of play or behavior. It’s how we alert one another that something is wrong.  Or to the fact that we are, in general, being pushed to do something we do not want to do.

But they don’t work in BDSM. Because of the nature of many fetishes, the play becomes something where the submissive might say “no,” but mean “yes.”  At the same time, do not confuse a fetish with rape or anything that is truly not consensual.

BDSM Play Is Different

BDSM play occurs, always, between 2 consenting adults. Adults who know the nature of the games.  Who have joined into a partnership where one is the submissive partner and one the Dominant partner. This submissive has chosen to take part in any fetish play that occurs.  Always establish boundaries ahead of time. This makes sure everyone understands the other’s wants and needs.  Everyone is on the same page, so to speak.

Limits are set initially by the submissive.  And be they soft or hard limits, a Domme will only push so far. This is why there is discussion beforehand and everyone needs to be up front. Because without these limits, and what is known as a “safe word,” the play could turn into something less than enjoyable for one of the partners.

So, what is a “safe word” in BDSM terms? Well, it’s a word, chosen before play begins by one of the partners, normally the submissive. It is normally a word that you wouldn’t hear during BDSM play and one that is easy for the submissive to both remember and say. The point is to give them an out at any time during the fetish games.

In other words, a way to let the Dominant partner know that they want to stop or that a boundary is being pushed too far.  They are uncomfortable with what is happening. This is essential to any and all legitimate BDSM play. All parties engaging in the fetish must respect it and take it seriously.

It is required to make play safe, sane and consensual. Many Dommes will not even engage in any kind of sensual, erotic or more hardcore play with a submissive who does not choose a safe word. This is ethical practice.  Observe it at all times.

What Word Should You Choose?

When choosing a safe word, you must pick something that can be said and remembered without any degree of difficulty by the submissive. This would seem to be a simple task. As I told you earlier, we all respond to words like “no” or “stop” when we hear them.

We know they register a level of unhappiness with a situation and it would seem that either or one of the many variations would be a perfect choice for the submissive. This isn’t the case, though. Due to the nature of a fetish, in many cases a submissive will say “no,” just to be in the moment with the ongoing scene. 

Submissive partners often enjoy feeling as though they are being made to submit to a FemDom, and not that they have agreed previously. To keep the excitement there for them, a Dominant partner will ignore pleas to stop or pronouncements of “No,” or “I don’t want to!” as they are part of the game. This makes these words useless as safe words.

Simple and Does Not Belong

Instead, choose something simple.  Like orange or purple, or even cat or tree. Something that would not slip out accidentally but also something easy to say. This word will stop all play immediately.  So you wouldn’t want to choose something like “hot,” as a submissive might use that word for other purposes in the BDSM play.

Therefore, you want to pick something that would be clear to both parties, that it did not belong. It confuses no one.  The meaning is clear to everyone.  If, in the middle of an erotic spanking, a submissive partner says “tree,” there is no way that word fits and would be a cue to the Femdom to stop immediately. You can see why a safe word is important and necessary for consensual, sane and safe BDSM play.